For Your Amusement

Surreal Sailing Stories Part 5: Shit Gets Real

Y’all, I know this shit is unbelievable. I know I’ve been reporting this wild ass story in past tense, BUT, as usual in 2020, something wild has happened. We have made it back to Earth’s orbit and the timelines have strangely converged. I’m reporting to you live. It’s Election Day in the USA. The election that holds much of our future in the balance.

I *just* snapped this photo. We are currently trying to figure out how to get through the atmosphere without burning up. I thought maybe Eric’s magical butt would get us there, but it’s not working. If you have any ideas we would love to hear them. Stay tuned….we are in it to win it today folks.

Eric is doing some reconnaissance. We need your help to save the universe. In the comments list:

1. A magical creature

2. A famous person

3. A food

You all are so helpful! With your advice, Eric came back with Kate McKinnon, Baby Yoda and tiramisu. We now have adorable Jedi powers, yummy snacks, and further hilariousness on board.

Kate is giving us advice now as we eat cake. Stay tuned.

I can’t believe this shit! Rainbow Dash, RBG and John Lewis just appeared from the heavens. RBG is pissed as hell about her replacement on the bench.

They stopped by to give us their blessing before heading off to work with Basic Jenny. Apparently if you do good work on Earth there is a promotion to more civilized and advanced worlds after you die. If not, you just have to stay here on repeat until you get the shit right.

Through discussing all options we realized that it’s better to NOT come back to Earth just yet. Shit is too unpredictable down there and people in red hats are acting like damn fools.

I can’t report what we are about to do because it would ruin the plan. Plus, it breaks about a billion rules and laws and really, all common sense. But hey, I’m a sailor. We tend to make the impossible happen through baling wire and duct tape. We can figure this shit out. 2020: if ever there was a time to rebel….it is now.

The news outlets are not reporting our story. I’m not surprised. That’s part of the issue these days, hard to find reliable sources and truth. We rely on algorithms more than we do one another, and that’s a fucking problem.

As you can see, we have captured the US presidential candidates. We will now offer a Q&A for folks to ask these two whatever they want while we prep for what’s next. There is lag time for posting in space, so be patient.

Also: I need help finding the appropriate monster, creature or alien to bring on to complete the next phase of this plan. Suggestions?

Apparently everyone loves a good monster and could give a shit about asking Trump or Biden questions.

You were probably wondering what was up with Rainbow Dash, the My Little Pony superstar…who is REAL. Well, she has magical powers to turn people into their true form.

This is the result of the 2020 election. You have it here first. Both candidates have been transformed to their authentic selves. It’s the first honest political move of all time. It also somehow makes more sense to me than any of the rest of the US government at this moment in time.

Oh shit! As I am posting this, we just got word that something is happening right now. I gotta run, but I will keep you all updated!!

I knew those Russian doppelgängers would show back up! The news is not telling you about this, but I will.

These imposters launched an attack on the White House. It was pretty easy since they were already infiltrated in through the current administration rolling out a red carpet for them.

They are now trying to negotiate a trade with us for Trump. They want their puppet back. They don’t even care if he changes back to his human form.

We won’t give in. We won’t give up. Humans of earth: we can do this!

I know you are all watching the news out there and the results are rolling in red so far. Keep the faith. West Coast is blue!!

We did have a couple of questions roll in for the candidates under our care at the moment.

To Trump: what is wrong with you and when will you be exiled to Mars?

His response: “wahhh waaahh wahhhh,” he cried like an inconsolable baby.

My response: He will not be going to Mars, he’s destined for US high security jail for his many crimes.

To Biden: how fast can we get to sustainable energies?

His response: “ask Skipper Jenn,” smart men always ask the women in their lives what to do.

My response: a few hours at most. Stay tuned.

The news is getting ugly out there, but they are not reporting the good stuff. This is actual live footage of Biden and Harris fighting for the White House.

The numbers are close. Too close. It’s finally time for the implementation of Basic Jenny’s plan. Trump and his administration have wanted to grab us by the pussy, they have wanted to control and regulate our vaginas, they want to suppress anyone who is not a rich white man or in line with exploitive capitalism.

This is why: WOMEN ARE POWERFUL.

People of color are strong and smart AF. Queer folks are so shiny and authentic it’s blinding. Over half of us have vaginas or identify as women. They are scared of us. Terrified even, and it comes out in oppression and violence.

What is General Jenny’s plan?

LOVE. It’s a care bear stare right out of my cosmic va-jj. It’s a contagious energy of inclusivity, kindness, justice and hope. It is an inexhaustible power source that can fuel the planet and all beings for centuries and more. Ya, love, it is the answer.

But, that’s not all General Jenny has up her sleeve. Because this isn’t just about the USA, this is about the entire fucking universe.

This story is about a rupture in the whole space time continuum. It is about the ongoing battle of greed and generosity, love and fear, connection and autonomy. This is about the existential dilemmas of: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT ALL ABOUT?! WHAT IS IT FOR?! WHY ARE WE HERE?!

The US election is only one small piece of this interstellar saga. Dream big folks. Can you feel the rainbow love! Give me a hells yass or emoji in the comments if you feel the fucking love peeps!

I HAVE THE RESULTS FROM THE FUTURE.

As I shot rainbows out of my vagina, something happened. A tear in space time that started long ago and became unsustainable in 2020 began to mend. Another hole opened up, like an unfolding of a story. They merged like a quilt where the patterns finally matched and made sense.

The next thing I knew, we were on the White House lawn. It was daytime. It was tomorrow morning. Something seemed strange again, but a good strange. Then I looked up.

“Holy fuck!” I yelled. Andrew and Eric came out to look. The tense in the story shifted again. A past tense telling the future now. WTF 2020?!

It was quiet on the White House lawn, so we went inside.

We discovered that Andrew was indeed the new president. His first order of action was to anoint Beyoncé the ruler of the universe. He started gluing rhinestones and beads to her outfit stat.

First of all, enlightened men know that the best thing they can do is give the platform to women, and particularly women of color. Everyone who is anyone knows that with Beyoncé in charge all will be well, and with better aesthetic. She’s so powerful she could even make Eric and I look cool. That is some epic shit.

His second order of business was a little more random, but in retrospect of the future: necessary.

Anyone else confused by this timeline? To be clear: I’m talking about the future in past tense. This is what tomorrow will bring. You might want to download Lemonade now and prep for the new world.

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