For Your Amusement

Surreal Sailing Stories Part 4: You Can’t Make This Shit Up

We were plopped right back onto Poop Deck in our space suits. I was overjoyed to be home again! Even if home was floating out in unknown space, it was still my little familiar nest. That’s the interstellar cruising life for you. Good thing I packed so much La Croix in the bilge.

We changed into our comfy clothes and were getting ready to eat snacks and look at star charts when ships from the “other side” came at us from nowhere.

They came in hot with guns firing. My initial reaction was to fight fire with fire. I found a ray gun in my lazerette and got it ready. Fuck these haters, if they wanted to randomly come at us and attack I was prepared to mess them up.

We were righteous in our cause and I wasn’t about to take their shit. I could feel that laser beam goddess energy surge through me, wrath, rage and unlimited power started to fill me. I raised the gun and started to point.

Before I pulled the trigger I paused. It’s amazing what one little pause can do when you pay attention to it. I remembered to breathe. I remembered compassion. I remembered kindness. I felt the truth of the life force energy rippling through me. I dropped the gun.

We didn’t have to fight fire with fire. We could fight it with love, the greatest power of all. I stood up in all my strength and did Tonglen again. I breathed in their hate and distress, their judgement and disgust, their opinions and fear. I let it flow through me like a river, filtering it with peace into clarity.

With the out-breath I gave the most epic fucking care bear stare of all time. The light rays were blinding like a Lisa Frank disco ball extravaganza. You could almost hear the movie soundtrack in the background playing: “Never Knew Love Like This Before,” by Stephanie Mills circa 1980.

The shock wave reverberated through the entire fucking universe. I loved the shit out of everything and everyone. I loved so hard rainbows started shooting out of my ass. I loved hella huge until those ships stopped in their fucking tracks.

That is when the real magic happened. I saw all of the drivers start to weep and immediately call their moms. It was like they remembered that they too were once cared for and loved, despite any pain and disillusionment that came after. One by one, they turned around and went home to their families and friends. They finally realized with absolute certainty that hating on others did not actually feel good or do anything helpful.

I started to weep. I wept for the pain, and I wept for the joy. I wept for the struggle of it all. I wept because I was fucking tired. Loving haters is a lot of emotional work for mortal humans, especially us sensitive neurotic ones.

As I sat down exhausted and in tears, I thought of my friends and family. I had Eric and I was deeply grateful, but no one person can fill all the places in us that need contact and connection. I missed many people, my dharma family, my sisters, my sailing peeps, my therapist, my mom. I felt deeply the support and interconnectedness I receive from my community. I especially missed my brother, my best friend, my manny. My heart ached for his jokes and shenanigans. I needed his strength and courage. He is a King Cobra survivor and has fought attack seals after all, he’s tough as nails.

As I blinked through the tears I could hardly believe my eyes. Was I dreaming? Was I hallucinating? Was he real? What is real anyway? Fucking 2020. Then Eric said with his nerdy pre-joke chuckle, “Hey Andrew! Nice of you to invade our space.” We all cringed at the pun. That’s when I knew this was actually happening.

There he was in all his glory: Andrew!! My first thought was, “I wonder what he will make me for dinner?” I had missed his home cooked earth food so much. I also had some stuff around the boat I wanted worked on. Plus, I had to tell him all the weird shit we had been through and get his amazing advice and perspective. Thank god he was here, maybe we could really save the universe after all!!

Just like always, Andrew and I sat and gabbed like a couple of school girls with 12 year old boy humor. He caught me up on what had been happening on Earth.

It was hard to believe. But on his phone, he brought along with him these very real headlines:

4 Recent Disasters Cost 1 Billion Each

Humans Wiped Out Two-Thirds of the World’s Wildlife in 50 Years

Thousands of Migrating Birds Found Dead Across Southwestern United States

Russia Continues Interfering in Election to Try to Help Trump, US Intelligence Says

About 300,000 Excess US Deaths Linked to Coronavirus

Pope Francis Calls for Civil Union Laws for Same Sex Couples

You know weird shit is happening if the Catholics are opening up to queer folks. Finally, I asked Andrew how he got to us in space.

Apparently he was playing video games when all of the sudden a beam of light reached him and he was transported to this very spot. My Care Bear Stare had called my other half, the twin sibling of my soul from galaxies away. Love wins!!

I told him about what had been going on with us and our theory that we had been doing some serious space and time travel. I asked him why he hadn’t been worried about Eric and I being gone. This is when shit got even weirder.

On his phone, he showed me this picture. He said that he didn’t know I was gone because I was still on Earth. But he knew something was off, not just because of the hair, but the Russian accents.

Apparently he had been calling me every day like usual and I would keep telling him that I was busy “cooking up something.” Which is also odd because I hate to cook.

Eric and I gave each other a very suspicious side eye. After seeing so many doppelgänger’s on so many worlds, we knew that somehow some must have gone to Earth to take our place. But why? Did General Jenny know this when she sent us back? WTF 2020?!

Seeing our doubles on earth was the call to urgency. We had to get back before the fucking US presidential election to save the universe. Andrew, Eric and I started to devise a plan and chart our course to get back to Earth. Poop Deck was now equipped with some dope interstellar equipment thanks to the jellies and the elite Science Officer Eric.

We weren’t sure how to use any of it, but if you push enough buttons something is bound to happen.

With the charts plotted and coordinates plugged in, I tried to start my Atomic 4 for light speed travel. As with many cruising plans, we had technical difficulties. She would crank and fire but instead of a rainbow coming out her ass and throwing us into light speed, she sputtered some glitter chunks and died with a gasping fatal “wah-WAH-waaahhhhh.”

We hoisted the sails as a back up plan to our back up plan to our back up plan to our….hell, can anyone really have a plan in 2020? There was one big problem though, there is no wind in space. Damn it!

It’s funny how even with all our modern technology and good intentions there is always more boat work to do. Eric got his nerd on and started working on the exhaust system. It appeared clogged with magic rainbow farts and glitter.

He added some extra love and the engine started to glow. We were hopeful, but she was still a no go. It was like she was constipated with all the hate and divisiveness from light years away. Poop Deck runs on love only and we were giving her all we had.

The election was getting closer. General Jenny was explicit that we had to get back to Earth ASAP. I started to get anxious. What were we gonna do?!

Andrew realized that we were working on the mechanics of the boat, but not the true heart of Poopsie. He put on a rocket pack and went to work. He huffed and he puffed and he blew that unicorn back to life.

Poop Deck blasted glitter out her ass and the three of us were at warp speed headed to Earth. We hoped we made it in time. We hoped we got the coordinates right. We hoped were were in the correct dimension and time space continuum. We hoped people on Earth were FUCKING VOTING AGAINST TRUMP IN THE USA!!

All we had was hope. Hope, and an enigmatic intergalactic universe saving technology with a message to be delivered somehow.

Imposter syndrome is real because I had no idea what was going on or what I was suppose to do. But like most of life, if you just show up with curiosity and an intention of using what you have, then learning the rest as you go…you can actually fake it until you make it. Carry on earth people, carry on, the planet needs you.

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