The Farting Unicorn Rubric

These were the three drawings I did for my boat logo. The top won. Why, you may ask, do I have a unicorn farting a rainbow on my boat? My answer? Why the fuck not?

For the record, I have loved unicorns since the 80’s. I am a unicorn OG (original geek in this case). I have watched the Last Unicorn more times than anyone could count. I saw it in the theaters upon release. I have actually been BUMMED since they came back in style and are trending. I almost stopped liking them because of it. I HATE being trendy, it clashes with my weird brand vibe. I have enjoyed being able to get all the swag though. There are fucking unicorns and rainbows everywhere right now! Target has them…..Augh, being a trend setter is complicated.

Also: the poop. It’s funny. Poop is funny to me and many twelve year old boys around the world. Poop Deck is also a nautical term that I explain here. So, it’s a play on words. One rubric on whether I am getting my life right or not is how kids respond to me. Kids are bullshit barometers, no doubt about it. When kids laugh or squeal in excitement at my boat name or my farting unicorn….my heart fills with joy and connection. Keeping your inner child alive and well is part of thriving.

In case you need proof, this artwork is circa 1986, I was 11. I was different from the other kids, they called me Spazz. I was hyper, smart, creative, sensitive, anxious, daring and loud. I had girl slumber parties where we danced all night, did wild 80s make up and hair, and talked about boys. I had neighborhood boy pals that I built forts with, laughed at potty humor, and ate bugs for truth or dare. I was learning to sail and loved the outdoors. I have always been a gender non conforming hybrid of a gal…I love potty humor and unicorns. I love tools, sports and glitter. Why we gender these things is dumb.

Honestly, I find my farting unicorn to be like a lie detector test or a weird-friendly radar. It is a personal rubric to tell me the degree of closeness we might share. If you don’t have some personal rubrics on how to discern who is for you quickly, get some. I don’t have a lot of time or energy for bullshit, so this cuts things to the chase. You can’t hide your farting unicorn vibe from me, I am crazily empathic and increasingly psychic. I feel you, own it, it’s all good. For the record, below is the official rubric:

Judgmental, but Love Me Despite it=We are probably blood related or family of some kind. I’ve spent time talking about you in therapy. I work hard to have compassion and understanding for your judgement, it comes from fear and your own bias after all. We have a complicated dynamic whether you know it or not. Also, you probably will never read this because you read very few, if any, of my posts.

Judgmental and Put Off=We cannot be friends or around one another. There is no bridge that will ever connect us. Why are you reading my blog?

Unamused but Tolerant=We can’t be friends per se, but we can exist in a room or community together. We won’t talk much, but we will be polite and respectful.

Confused, but Curiously Open=We won’t be close, but we can be aquatinted and connect on other things. We will forgive one another for our different tastes and chat on mutual interests or the weather when we see each other.

No Reaction or Neutral=How can you possibly have NO REACTION? Nope, can’t be friends. I don’t do neutral. Are you a robot or zombie? I’m confused, it is a unicorn farting a rainbow….some kind of reaction is warranted.

Appreciative, but Not Funny to You: Very much like the confused but open person, we will be acquaintances, but more enthusiastic ones. We will be excited when we see each other and have mutual respect. We will share laughs in other areas and do group events or sails.

Amused=We will be friends. You will think I’m crazy in a good way. I won’t hold it against you because you are right. I like it that you have a sense of humor and will try to shock you with my weird crazy for fun. You will laugh more. We will get along well and maybe do some day sails.

Joyful and Excited=We will definitely be friends. We will connect on our various weird, explore some crazy together and delight in it. We will share in laughs at the absurdity of life. We will discuss some vulnerable and hot topics. We will do a flotilla or overnight sail adventure swapping stories of socially non conforming behavior and thoughts. You are invited to my Poop Deck team.

Fucking Hilarious, Don’t Need a Reason Why, Can I Get Boat Swag?=We are going to be besties. We will be like crazy 12 year olds on a sugar high getting our potty humor freak on. We will share and over share deep intimate stories and life philosophy. We will sail off into the sunset dancing the robot and running man to super bad 80’s music while pondering existential dilemmas and nuanced human behavior. We will read one another’s minds at times and call one another cheesy shit like soul mates and kindred. We are tribe. I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!

To let you in on a secret: A part of me likes to antagonize non weird, judgmental, and very serious people for my own amusement and coping in this very rigid world. Apparently, I practically do the antagonizing for these folks by simply authentically existing. The fucking nerve! People like me, the non conforming ones, either suffer by trying to fit in and we betray ourselves, or we suffer through the judgement of others if we are ourselves openly. I’ve tried both, farting unicorns and love for myself win. Putting a 4 foot sticker of a unicorn farting on my boat is just icing on the very sassy Jenn does what she fucking wants cake. For those who judge me or are put off by my unicorn: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I’m gonna sail the breakwater and beaches over and over and over and over. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! WHEEEEEE!! YIPEEEEE! I’m having FUN despite you!!! Story of my fucking life. Happiness and shameless authenticity is my sweet revenge for all the haters.

WINNING!!!

And here are the more serious lessons of this post. What you think of me, or anyone else for that matter, is much more about you than who you have your opinions of. As I have written about rainbows before, when you have a reaction: that is a spotlight on your bias and thoughts. We can have different humor, I know poop jokes are not for everyone. I don’t like puns much personally. I also date a punster. Proof we can all get along, especially if we can have a fucking sense of humor and a compassionate heart about it all. Being human is weird. We are all fucking weird. So let your freak flag fly sailors, even if it’s just at home in your safe space. Some of us more open weirdos got your back in that exploration. Let go of the restrictions and shame and have fun. As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, it’s all good. That’s really what a rainbow farting unicorn is all about: BE YOU UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

May we all sail in peace.

Addendum: There is a category for people who love me, support me and also don’t find farting unicorns funny, but think my joy of them is funny. They are also family. Cheers to the queen. ❤️🦄🌈