Shame on you unsolicited dick pix men. I hear about you all the time. ALL THE TIME. It is complete bullshit that I should have to write this post. I wanted it to be short, pun intended, with a simple NO, STOP, NOT OKAY, but apparently there is some confusion around this topic I need to clear up.
I am gonna start by a public naming and shaming and end with an appeal, yet again, to all the enlightened dudes in our communities to step it up and find ways to help foster safer and more inclusive spaces. Yes, you….the guy who would never send a dick pick. We need YOU to do something about this.
Dick pix men, I am writing this shaming about you and your seedy counterparts that like to propose sex or make lewd suggestions after a woman simply posts a comment on a social media thread. Or those assholes who grope and gape over women at a marina, bar or yacht club. Those guys, who after being called out as inappropriate say, “it’s just a joke, don’t be so serious.” Those men who veil it in innocence, “I was just trying to flatter you. I couldn’t help it, you are so beautiful.” Yes, yes you can help yourself. Help yourself by cutting it the fuck out. It’s gross and unwanted.
While I am at it, shame on you men who standby and do nothing when you see this assholery happen. You have ALL seen this happen. How many of you have intervened? How many of you have stood up for a woman who is obviously uncomfortable or harassed? Did you say, “Oh, it’s just so and so, he’s harmless and he’s drunk.” Did you say, “She can handle herself.” Did you just turn away and ignore? Did you scroll on? You are part of the problem too, dude. Step it up. Don’t allow anyone to be treated that way around you. Help create safe spaces, be enlightened.
Also, and maybe most importantly, shame on you men who lure women to crew on your boat, seemingly for their skills and secretly for their sex. You cowards wait until you are at sea to finally show your agenda, when a woman has nowhere to go. You have trapped her in your unwanted sexual attention and put her in a physically and emotionally dangerous and vulnerable place. If these women do not comply you are rude and mean at the least and violent at worst. You are the worst kind of desperate asshole. I feel sorry for you.
Shame on you stalkers and hackers, you trolls and creeps. You are bullies. Did you plan for your life to turn out this way? Do you really enjoy it? Or are you as lonely as your actions show? I don’t know who hurt you along the way that you have such vehemence for people, but I want to clue you in on something: your actions and beliefs say more about you.
This is all HARASSMENT and ASSAULT. Unwanted or non consensual physical or sexual attention of any kind is a form of ASSAULT. Unwanted verbal contact or communication is HARASSMENT.
Women are talking. Cruising women talk. Racing women talk. We have ways to black list your sorry ass. We tell each other to stay far-far away. We privately tell names, give descriptions and talk about your boat. We screen shot your info and send it out. We delete your sad and sorry little dick picks and block you. Some of us report you, even though it’s hard to do. It’s hard to do because it’s traumatic. It’s hard to do because you often hold positions of power. It’s hard to do because the legal system isn’t good at advocating for victims. It’s hard to do because we don’t want to go through all the hassle and victim blaming and public doubt. Many of you harass and assault in ways that cannot be discussed in public without threat of defamation. You side message and cyber stalk. But rest assured, privately, we talk more and more.
If you don’t like that: don’t be a dick or show us your dick. Nobody wants you or your dumbass dick, your high school come on lines, or your jackass moves. No, nada, nein, nil, niet, nie, nej, aniyo, nage, nai. NO MEANS NO.
Look, most men I have encountered in sailing are good guys or are trying to be enlightened. The assholes I am talking about here are less in numbers, but most often repeat offenders. I appeal to the good men in our communities to stand up to this kind of behavior and draw a line that this abusive horseshit will not be tolerated.
The tide is changing, women are sick of this shit and fighting back. We fight back with policies and words. We fight with community and collaboration. We are stronger together. Our best fight is being healthier, more respectful, kind and inclusive humans. We will not let you stop us and our happiness and success is the best fight.
Soon I will post strategies of safety screening and procedures for women on boats. Many times men I know read my posts and say confused and shocked, “Is this necessary? Does this happen that often?” YES. It happens OFTEN. Often enough that I am writing about it and advocating. Then they ask, “Why haven’t I heard about it or seen it?” The answer: you have, and you didn’t recognize it for what it was. You laughed or shrugged it off, you registered it as gossip or misunderstanding. You didn’t believe it. Or you haven’t been directly told because many women don’t feel safe telling you or talking about it due to the doubt and scandal that ensues. You weren’t told because you weren’t trusted to understand or do anything about it. I am appealing to the better men in our communities to join with women to make safer and more inclusive spaces for all of us. It’s not going to change without everyone coming together and saying STOP.